September 27, 2010

I Am There If You Need Me

I had the same dream again.
I am running and running in a place with nothing but sand. I can see a wall with a gate. I am trying to reach it, get near the wall. But no matter how much I run, I never seem to reach the gate. I am tired of running and I am out of breath, but I have to keep on running to reach it, to touch it, to open it and go on the other side. I cant stop even when I want to. I dont know whats on the other side. I am just running towards it because its the only way out. People I know are there too. My family and my friends. But they all seem like a blur as I run past them. They are all smiling, weirdly. And they all shout as I pass by them, "I am here for you, if you need me". I dont know why am I the only one running and why it is that only I want to reach the gate.
And everytime it ends the same way.
Running towards it, I fall and the dream is over.

In my subconscious mind, it made sense. In my conscious mind, I didnt. Why was I running towards something that I had no idea about. Why was I running away from my own people and Why was I running towards the gate when everyone was there for me to help me out. What was I running from. Nothing made sense. But then, it did.

In the back of mind, I heard what someone had said to me on the phone : "If you want any help, you can text me or call me or email me anytime you want, and I will be there", I visualised the mail that another person had sent me : "You have people who are there to help you out, and I am one of them", I recalled a message on a live-chat that said "You know that Mustafa, right? that you can come to me if you need help" and I remembered how someone had defended me from the fingers, that people pointed at me.

And I realized what I was running from. I was running from them. I was hiding for the the things I had lost. And I was running because I couldn't walk with my chin up. But they didnt judge me or think any less of me for what I had lost. So I smiled at what a fool I was, because I could walk with my chin up in front of them. They loved me, I realizred, the people I loved, loved me too.

And the realization of being surrounded by such beautiful people, erupted a calm of hallelujah and thus silencing the chaos of my thoughts.

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